When Even the Villains Can’t Save the Line
London Calling arrives on screen as the latest entry in the action-comedy genre, but instead of dialling up the laughs or thrills, it leaves viewers yearning for an off-switch.
The film follows an all-too-familiar premise: a down-on-his-luck hitman, played by Josh Duhamel, botches a job in the UK and is forced into the unenviable role of babysitting his crime boss’s son.
What could have been a fun twist on the trope instead devolves into a jumbled mess of clichés and half-baked gags.
From the opening minutes, London Calling is riddled with the kind of dialogue that would make even the most forgiving audience cringe. Every line feels recycled from better (or at least more self-aware) films, with one-liners so hackneyed they might as well be collecting dust in a bargain DVD bin. The supposed comedy falls completely flat, with jokes landing with the subtlety of a missed punchline in an empty comedy club.
Josh Duhamel, usually a reliable presence, is stranded in the lead role, unable to anchor the film’s meandering tone. His portrayal of the reluctant hitman lacks both grit and charm, making it difficult to care about his character’s journey.
Jeremy Ray Taylor, as the boss’s son, delivers a performance so juvenile and indifferent that most scenes feel like they’re being acted out at a particularly uninspired school play.
Rick Hoffman, always game, tries to lift the humour with his trademark delivery, but even he can’t resuscitate the film’s limp attempts at wit.
If there’s any reason to keep watching, it’s the pairing of Brandon Auret and Neil Sandilands as the vengeful, scruffy-looking brothers on a collision course with the protagonist.
Their performances are refreshingly grounded and inject a sliver of tension and entertainment into an otherwise numbing experience. They are the only characters who appear to be having even a modicum of fun, and their grit adds an authenticity sorely lacking elsewhere.
Beneath the surface, London Calling is content to revel in mind-numbing trends and empty spectacle. There’s an over-reliance on montages, mismatched musical cues, and endless scenes set in bland nightclubs or anonymous London back alleys—as if style could make up for the total absence of substance. The film is neither inventive nor bold, sticking instead to a formula that’s been milked dry by countless straight-to-streaming releases.
London Calling is a time-waster that fails to justify its existence amidst a crowded field of action-comedies. With unfunny dialogue, a parade of clichés, and performances that rarely rise above mediocre, the film squanders any potential it might have had.
The only saving grace is the South African villain duo, whose solid work manages to keep the entertainment on life support, if only just.
Unless you’re a die-hard fan of the genre or the actors involved, you’re better off letting this call go straight to voicemail.
Showing in cinemas from Friday, September 19.
-Dirk Lombard Fourie